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Hydroplaning through the teen years
The worst part of a car wreck comes in that moment before metal crunches metal. Time slows. The realization of impending doom skids across your consciousness. I get the same feeling when careening into an argument with my teenage daughter.
A teenage argument is the rhetorical equivalent of hydroplaning. You’re riding on a thin sheet of irrationality and your best hope is to ride it out without spinning into a full-fledged battle.
Let’s first stipulate: any argument is a waste of time. When has anyone ever surrendered an argument saying, “oh, you know what? You’re RIGHT. I’m so stupid.” You don’t win friends with arguments, you lose them. Get into one with a teenager and you may create a gap that lasts a lifetime.
Just like a puddles on the freeway, my most recent run-in with my teenage daughter came out of nowhere. Shopping for shoes. She selected a pair of sneakers that wouldn’t clear school uniform standards. When I suggested a pair that would, she proceeded to argue the point. It was late. I was tired. I engaged. Stupid dad.
No, she didn’t get the sneakers–the ones I chose or the ones she wanted. She chose instead to berate and cuss me out. Can you hear the skidding tires? Here comes the crunching metal: I walked out, wallet in hand. And, here you find us in a mangled wreck.
It’s now day three of the sneaker war. She’s not talking. I’m not moving. At least when you’re in accident, first responders are sent to help. This is more like a pile-up on a lonely country road.
While teenagers lack perspective, they excel at drawing you into their drama. Teens are savoring the waning days of a youthful sense of time: everything is now, or it isn’t. That’s why their dramas (usually involving relationships) are so urgent, undertaken with such passion. Every stand is life or death.
Because every experience is their first, perspective isn’t possible. They’re just now learning to see the bigger picture, compare dissimilar situations, and distill lessons of principle. They’re erratic because they’ve not defined a reliable set of principles. They’re banging out emotional fender-benders while speeding 80 miles-per-hour through youth.
The shortcut to a battle with your teen is entering a conversation believing they fully know who they are and what they stand for. Those weren’t sneakers she was fighting for, it was her sense of self. For me, it was $79 and a time-wasting second trip back to exchange them when I was proven right.
If I had the answer, I’d give it to you. Or, better still, I’d write a book and sell it to you. She is building her principles, gaining perspective. I’m doing what grown-ups do: allowing time to pass awaiting divine guidance. Hopefully that’s the principle she will learn from me.
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- Hydroplaning the teen years
- Better DaddyMomming by Design
- Suddenly single dads unite
- Lend a hand, show the way
- Designing the DaddyMom
Tags: bereavement, fathering, grief, healing, parenting, parenting teens, single parenting
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As a high school teacher who spends most of my days with teenagers, I appreciate the perspective you offer at the end of your post. Certainly teens can be irrational, but they are also fiercely trying to establish a sense of self. Having patience for that process is immensely important for allowing them to establish an identity and allowing them to feel comfortable trusting you.